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Stop Dressing Your Six-Year-Old Like a Skank
  • Language: en
  • Pages: 290

Stop Dressing Your Six-Year-Old Like a Skank

  • Type: Book
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  • Published: 2007-09-04
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  • Publisher: Macmillan

A collection of essays about life in the Southern United States.

You Can't Drink All Day If You Don't Start in the Morning
  • Language: en
  • Pages: 254

You Can't Drink All Day If You Don't Start in the Morning

  • Type: Book
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  • Published: 2009-09-01
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  • Publisher: Macmillan

From the author of the bestselling classics We're Just Like You, Only Prettier, and Bless Your Heart, Tramp, comes a collection of essays so funny, you'll shoot co'cola out of your nose. Topics include such gems as: • Why Miss North Carolina is too nice to hate • How Gwyneth Paltrow wants to improve your pathetic life • Strapped for cash? Try cat whispering • Sex every night for a year? How do you wrap that? • Get yer Wassail on: It's carolin' time • Airlines serving up one hot mess • Action figure Jesus • Why Clay Aiken ain't marrying your glandular daughter • And much more! Complete with a treasure trove of Celia's genuine southern recipes, You Can't Drink All Day if You Don't Start in the Morning is sure to appeal to anyone who lives south of something.

We're Just Like You, Only Prettier
  • Language: en
  • Pages: 288

We're Just Like You, Only Prettier

Why couldn't the Sopranos survive living down South? Simple. You can't shoot a guy full of holes after eating chicken and pastry, spoon bread, okra, and tomatoes. What does a Southern woman consider grounds for divorce? When daddy takes the kids out in public dressed in their pajama tops and Tweety Bird swim socks. Again. What is the Southern woman's opinion of a new "fat virus" theory? Bring it on! We've got a lot of skinny friends we need to sneeze on. In this wickedly funny follow-up to her bestselling novel Bless Your Heart, Tramp, Celia Rivenbark welcomes you, once again, to the South she loves, the land of "Mama and them," "precious and dahlin'," and mommies who mow. Y'all come back now, you hear?

You Don't Sweat Much for a Fat Girl
  • Language: en

You Don't Sweat Much for a Fat Girl

From the bestselling, award-winning author of You Can't Drink All Day If You Don't Start In The Morning, comes another collection of hilarious observations that will resonate with women, mothers, and girlfriends everywhere In her newest wickedly irreverent humor collection, Celia Rivenbark cracks up while getting her downward facing dog on, pines for a world in which every mom gets to behave like Betty Draper and wonders why everybody's so excited about the Science Fair when there aren't even any rides. In it you'll find essays on such topics as: - Menopause Spurs Thoughts of Death and Turkey - I Dreamed a Dream That My Lashes Were Long - Twitter Woes: I've Got Plenty of Characters, Just No Character - Movie To-Do List: Cook Like Julia, Adopt Really Big Kid - Charlie Bit Your Finger? Good! - And other thoughts on the virus that is YouTube - And much more! And much more! For any woman who longs for the good old days when Jane Fonda in legwarmers was the only one who saw you exercise, YOU DON'T SWEAT MUCH FOR A FAT GIRL is comfort food in book form.

The Height of Rudeness
  • Language: en
  • Pages: 47

The Height of Rudeness

In this short e-original The Height of Rudeness, readers will get 5 essays - one never-before-published and 4 "sneak peeks" at the kind of manners advice Celia Rivenbark will be dishing up in her upcoming etiquette book RUDE BITCHES MAKE ME TIRED. Have you been "wait-listed" for your friend's wedding? Or, worse, have you been told, via engraved stationery, that you should "Please don't save the date"? This odious and ill-mannered trend must stop! How did it start? How should we cope with such an audacious display of asshattery? Leave it to Mama Celia to help in times like these. And a word of warning to brides-to-be? Quit showing off your engagement bling to your Facebook friends. They all expect to be invited and they're already shopping for Soda Streams.

Belle Weather
  • Language: en
  • Pages: 302

Belle Weather

Bestselling Author of We're Just Like You, Only Prettier and Bless Your Heart, Tramp Hang on to your hats! We're in for some fiercely funny weather and crackling-sharp observations from Celia Rivenbark, of whom USA Today has said, "Think Dave Barry with a female point of view." With her incomparable style and sassy southern wit, you'll hear from Celia on: --The joys of remodeling Tara --How Harry Potter bitch-slaps Nancy Drew --Britney's To-Do list: pick okra, cover that thang up --How rugby-playing lesbians torpedoed beach day --Why French women suck at competitive eating --The truth about nature deficit disorder --The difference between cockroaches and water bugs --The beauty of Bedazzlers And much, much more! Whether she's doing her taxes or extolling the virtues of Madonna's mothering skills, Celia Rivenbark will keep you laughing until the very last page.

She Drives Me Crazy
  • Language: en
  • Pages: 32

She Drives Me Crazy

From the bestselling, award-winning author of You Can't Drink All Day If You Don't Start In The Morning among others, comes three wickedly irreverent essays that will resonate with women, mothers, and girlfriends everywhere. In these essays, Celia Rivenbark reviews the many oddities in stranger-than-fiction news story, chronicles her transition into the Twitter-sphere, and laments a missed opportunity to be a guest on a certain national talk show. These essays and many more are featured in You Don't Sweat Much for a Fat Girl, available August 2011.

Rude Bitches Make Me Tired
  • Language: en
  • Pages: 272

Rude Bitches Make Me Tired

  • Type: Book
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  • Published: 2013-10-22
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  • Publisher: Macmillan

"An always sensible and mildly profane etiquette manual for real-life manners quandaries ranging from how to deal with braggy playground moms to wondering if you can have sex in your aunt's bed on vacation to correctly grieving the dearly departed (hint: it doesn't include tattoos or truck decals)"--

You Don't Sweat Much for a Fat Girl
  • Language: en
  • Pages: 166

You Don't Sweat Much for a Fat Girl

  • Type: Book
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  • Published: 2011-08-16
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  • Publisher: Macmillan

From the bestselling, award-winning author of You Can't Drink All Day If You Don't Start In The Morning, comes another collection of hilarious observations that will resonate with women, mothers, and girlfriends everywhere In her newest wickedly irreverent humor collection, Celia Rivenbark cracks up while getting her downward facing dog on, pines for a world in which every mom gets to behave like Betty Draper and wonders why everybody's so excited about the Science Fair when there aren't even any rides. In it you'll find essays on such topics as: - Menopause Spurs Thoughts of Death and Turkey - I Dreamed a Dream That My Lashes Were Long - Twitter Woes: I've Got Plenty of Characters, Just No Character - Movie To-Do List: Cook Like Julia, Adopt Really Big Kid - Charlie Bit Your Finger? Good! And other thoughts on the virus that is YouTube And much more! For any woman who longs for the good old days when Jane Fonda in legwarmers was the only one who saw you exercise, YOU DON'T SWEAT MUCH FOR A FAT GIRL is comfort food in book form.

Bless Your Heart, Tramp
  • Language: en

Bless Your Heart, Tramp

  • Type: Book
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  • Published: 2000
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  • Publisher: Unknown

Ideas about family, fashion, and other topics from the "belle-by-birth" who says, "I'd sooner wear white shoes in February, drink unsweetened tea and eat Miracle Whip instead of Duke's than utter the words 'you guys.'"--Page 83.